Carrie Cox’s Corner

Today is Sunday, and it is special. I am thankful for going to church.

But to be honest, it hasn’t always felt like a joy. Sometimes it feels like work, or tradition, or an obligation, or just something I’ve always done.

Getting ready, making the time, prepping the kids, prepping the dinner, being around people, even smiling; sometimes it feels like I would just rather stay at home and hide.

And we did that for a season, remember COVID?

And after that season, I never loved church more.

But still, there are times when I don’t feel like it, and honestly there are times when I don’t get much out of it. I do just “go through the motions,” but I still go.

I go. I am there. Happy attitude or bad attitude, I am there and I go.

And I am thankful that I have a church. That I have the freedom. That I’m so blessed I’m spoiled.

But I hate myself for this. I hate mood swings, I hate not feeling it all the time.

“Father,” I pray, “why don’t I always like church? Because I’ve been hurt there. Because I’ve hurt people there. Because I have sin in my heart. Because I have mood swings, because I’m just exhausted, and Because…well, it’s complicated, because I’m human.

But then I think about you.
Your church didn’t even want you and you still went and read to them. I’m sorry your synagogue threw you out. That must have been hard.

I’m sorry that you try to come to our church, and you knock on the door, and even Bible believing Christian churches are still ignoring you or won’t let you come in. Worse yet they throw you out. I’m sorry for when you knock on my heart’s door and I ignore you, when it’s too much of hassle to open up and let you in. I’m sorry, God. I don’t want to be a lover of my own self, but I am. I am that way with you, with my husband, with my children, with others. Forgive me. Make my heart like yours. Make it a giver, a lover, a friend. Wash me clean from my sins, from my own thinking, from my own will. I trust you, that there is a reason, and if there’s not a reason, I still trust you. Give me wisdom, discernment.”

You know what God said to me? He reminded me that my feelings my “I want to” and my “I don’t really want to” are irrelevant to the mandate that he has made.

Hebrew 10:25 says, “Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is, but exhorting one another: and so much the more as ye see the day approaching.”

We are commanded to assemble together. My son told me this morning, “I don’t want to go to play practice today,” and before I even thought about it, this came out of my mouth, “Well, we are going because we made a commitment.”

And then it smacked me in the face. Yeah, I made a commitment too.

You know the other verse that the Lord reminded me of? Psalms 122:1 “I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD.”

That smacked me in the face too. Another prayer slips out:
“Father, I’m sorry for not being glad. Make me glad. Glad to go to your house, glad to practice my faith, glad to assemble together, glad to worship your name together with other likeminded people. That is special. Singing songs to you together, raising my hand, smiling, listening, hearing, praying in a group of people who are seeking you. It gives a sense of belonging. It gives a sense of power and strength. Sometimes it’s not exciting and fireworks, but oh sometimes there are those special services where you speak to my heart and give me quietly just what I need, and there are others times where you manifest yourself in a powerful way and we collectively, together feel you, hear you, and worship you. Those days make all the other gray days worth it.”

Friends, I wrote the above story early this morning, but I hated it so much, and I refused to publish it. It was too vulnerable. It was too honest. I don’t want people to know I feel that way. I admitted to myself in shame. So I wrote something else and quickly published it and got ready for church.

Then a funny thing happened…the preacher this morning read my mail! Man, he preached on being real, not being a pretender, about humility, about repenting of what’s really in your heart. And I did, with tears streaming down my face I told the Lord I was sorry, and that if he gave me words to say, I would say them, no matter how I felt about them or how they made me look. You know, earlier this morning I wanted to cover and hide my sins, not really confess and forsake them. After this morning’s service, I was ready. I came home and unpublished my other “easy” post. I didn’t have time to edit this one yet, but I had already settled it. I would share this.

Then, tonight at church another funny thing happened, the preacher preached on the church! Wow, just what I had been meditating on. It helped my faith to know that the Lord was speaking to us all about the same thing. And you know what? All the while he was preaching about the church, my heart was so thankful. I love my church. There I have received help, comfort, friendship, fellowship, not only from the Lord, but from his people. There is no where else like this on earth. Sure our church has flaws, so does my family, but I love them for it.

Tonight, I can say with an honest and clean heart, “I was glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the house of the LORD.”